My First Island Wake – 4/18/2011

There is something small town about the whole island of PEI. One of the nicer traditions is being friendly to your neighbors. Here, everyone knows everyone. It's nearly impossible to be out in public without seeing someone you know and stopping to talk about how their daughter's recital was, or the results of the procedure for their brother. People know the minutest details of each other's lives, a comfortable feeling, but you're definitely aware that there are no secrets. I have even experienced this phenomenon a few times, seeing people (outside my family), at the grocery store or out in public. Coming from such large cities as San Antonio and Phoenix, this truly is a phenomenon. I'm shocked every time it happens!

What goes along with this quaint custom is supporting each other after a loved one's life is extinguished. I expect to attend the funeral and possibly wake of a friend or close family member, but here on PEI (and most likely Atlantic Canada), you attend the wake for the family of your family and friends. I remember that the first two questions you asked my grandmother over the phone were: 'how's the weather' and 'how many wakes have you been to'? Once those two questions were answered you could talk about new business, but not before. My grandmother was always impressed when someone's wake had people lined up out the door of the funeral home. It was explained to me that this is almost a status symbol and especially comforting for the family. An additional marker is how many priests attend the wake and funeral. Now all of this was just information I had collected from my grandmother, until this week.

Here on PEI, cancer is extremely prolific. It is believed that this is due to all of the pesticides used over the years on the potato farms as it's a large concentration for a small area, though there are nearly no studies on the matter.

I missed my grandmother's wake and funeral (as I took all the time off of work that I could to spend with her in the last few weeks of her life), and I was only 3 months old when my grandfather passed. This week, I attended my first Island wake for a relative's relative. Had I been in the States, I doubt I would have considered attending the funeral, let alone the wake, but here on the Island, it's nearly expected.

In addition to the higher frequency of attendance at wakes, a typical PEI wake has all of the rules and order you expect of a local custom. Commonly, there are two different times for the wake to accomodate many people's schedules: a two hour block in the afternoon and a second one that night. It's printed in the newspaper to let you know the details and funeral arrangements. Once you get to the funeral home, the immediate family including spouse, children, siblings, siblings' spouses, parents, and sometimes even nieces and nephews stand in a receiving line around the open casket for the entire wake as people file through expressing their condolences. The position of the family in the line is specifically arranged based on age of siblings, or some other order. The common phrase to deliver to the grieving is 'sorry for your troubles', and you may repeat this to the family 20 times. It's a nice tradition to see a whole community supporting those who are in pain, but I wonder how comforting it is to have to stand there for such great lengths of times and try to remember how you know each person coming through the line, as you talk to every person.

When I arrived, I smiled to see how long the line was, thinking my grandmother would be impressed with the turnout. My cousin and I arrived 20 minutes early and the line was already 60 people deep, out the door and down the sidewalk. In the 20 minutes it took to get to the door, the line had doubled in length. I was glad to give hugs to my grieving family, and happy to give them a chuckle that this was my first wake. They seemed to laugh in either a 'oh you have no idea what you're in for' way or a 'what planet are you from that you don't attend wakes'. After shaking hands with the family and saying a prayer in front of the open casket (which is the norm), I couldn't help but think about something I read in a book that explains that there is no better evidence that people have souls than to look at a body that no longer has one. The part of us that is pure and holy is clearly no longer there and is now in a place of perfect happiness.

On the walk back to the car, in true PEI fashion, I saw people that I knew and we exchanged how we knew the deceased. Something that made me smile was that there was also a team of 10 year old boys in a soccer uniforms that were patiently waiting together to support their coach, who is the son of the deceased. Such a nice custom and wonderful respect to teach children. The main feeling I had though was awkwardness, as I knew so few of the grieving, but those that I did know seemed to appreciate seeing a familiar face and being supported in their time of grief.

While I am still struck by how commonplace it is to attend the wake for someone you barely knew, I appreciate the custom as just one aspect of a compassionate, loving community, and I am comforted that there's a place in the world that people truly care about each other. Thank you God for being so good to let me live here and please be with the family as they are grieving!